Sarah is the owner of First Peek Ultrasound. Have a question for the medical director? Email her at firstpeek@oakparkultrasound.com.
I’m going to have a baby soon. What are some of the ways of preventing sibling rivalry to the newborn
When you have a baby, it is natural for all your efforts and focus to shift to your newborn. With each baby, there is always so much more to learn. One of the first things you will encounter with your second baby that you did not have to deal with for your first is sibling rivalry towards the newborn, which can sometimes last until the newborn baby is 4 or 5 years old. The good news is that there are many easy things that you can do to help prevent this from becoming a problem, and many of these things you can start right away while you are still pregnant.
How do you know when you are dealing with sibling rivalry?
Usually it is obvious. The most common symptom of sibling rivalry is the increased need for attention. He or she may want to be held and carried more, and the demands for attention often happen especially when you’re busy caring for your new baby. Another way your older child can react is by regressing, or acting like a baby again. This can include bedwetting, thumbsucking, and crying, but can include anything that your newborn does which you find adorable (but is simply not cute when your 5-year-old does it). Occasionally, your older child can act aggressively toward the newborn, such as by “accidentally” dropping the baby, hitting the baby, or in one case that I know of, even trying to shake the baby when you’re not looking.
The following are simply tips–you will find your own style and what works best for you and your child. The most important underlying message is to get your child involved with the baby, and to be sure to set aside some time and attention for your older child so that he or she will not attribute the new addition to your family as something necessarily bad.
While you’re still pregnant
1. Prepare the sibling for the newborn. Your older child thinks in concrete terms, from his or her own point of view, and can even have magical thinking, according to Piaget’s stages of cognitive development. So he or she will respond more to things he or she can touch, feel, see, and hear. Talk about the pregnancy. Show your child pictures of babies in books. Show your child your belly as it grows. Let your child feel your baby’s movements inside your belly.
2. Young children have difficulty understanding the concept of time. One way to help your child anticipate the arrival of the baby is to have a large calendar on a wall or your fridge with the due date, while crossing off of days as you get closer to your due date. This makes the timing of the arrival of the baby more real for your older child.
3. Try to give your child a chance to be around another new baby (i.e. a cousin or friend’s child) so that he or she has a better idea of what to expect.
4. An excellent way of allowing your older child to visualize the new baby is to bring your older child along to your 3D ultrasound appointment. Point out to him or her the baby’s nose, face, and other features. This is one of the benefits of 3D ultrasound.
5. Encourage your child to help you prepare the baby’s room.
6. If you are going to make major changes in the arrangement of the rooms or by starting a daycare service, make these changes a few months before the baby’s arrival. This way, your child does not have to go through additional major changes while having to get accustomed to the major change in the family.
7. Praise your child for mature behavior, such as talking instead of crying, feeding, dressing himself or herself, and playing games.
8. Don’t make any demands for new skills (such as toilet training) during the months just preceding the delivery. Even if your child appears ready, postpone these changes until your child has made a good adjustment to the new baby.
9. Tell your child where he or she will go when you go to the hospital. If you are taking trips to the hospital yourself to scout out the route and what to expect, take your child along.
10. Look through family photographs and talk about your child’s first year of life.
While you’re in the hospital
1. Have your older child visit you and the baby in the hospital. Most hospitals now know the importance of the other children visiting and should now allow for this.
2. If your child has to stay home, call him or her frequently while you are in the hospital.
As soon as you come home
1. Give the older sibling a gift “from the new baby.”
2. Ask visitors to give extra notice to the older child. Have your older child unwrap the baby’s gifts.
3. From the beginning, refer to your newborn as “our baby.”
Further steps to prevent sibling rivalry
1. Give your older child the extra attention he or she needs. Help him or her feel more important. Try to give him or her at least 30 minutes a day of exclusive, uninterrupted time. You can employ the father and other relatives to spend extra time with your older child during the first month. Give your older child lots of physical affection throughout the day.
2. When you are taking care of the baby, include your older child as much as possible.
3. Encourage your older child to touch and play with the new baby in your presence. Allow him or her to hold the baby. Avoid such warnings as “Don’t touch the baby.”
Newborns are not as fragile as they look, and it is important to show your trust. Your older child can hold the baby while you make sure to support the baby’s head and neck. However, you should not allow the sibling to carry the baby alone until he or she reaches school age.
4. Enlist your older child as a helper. Encourage him or her to help with baths, dry the baby, get a clean diaper, or find toys or a pacifier. You can also encourage your older child to feed or bathe a doll when you are feeding or bathing the baby. Emphasize how much the baby likes the older sibling. Make comments such as “Look how happy she gets when you play with her,” or “You can always make him laugh.”
5. Don’t ask the older siblings to be quiet for the baby. Newborns can sleep fine without the house being perfectly quiet. Asking your older child to do this may cause him or her to resent the baby. After all, kids will be kids, and as much as your newborn needs to sleep, your older child needs to play.
6. Your older child may start thumbsucking or clinging more. Accept this as something your child needs to do temporarily. Do not criticize him or her about it in the first few months the baby is here.
7. When your child behaves aggressively, stop him or her right away. Tell him, “We never hurt babies.” Stenly and immediately, send your child to “time-out” for a few minutes. Don’t spank your child or slap his hand at these times, as he or she will eventually try to do the same to the baby when “the baby is bad.”
8. For the first few weeks after the baby is born, don’t leave the two of them alone together.
9. If your child is old enough, encourage him to talk about his feelings about the new arrival, and suggest an alternative behavior. For example, “When you’re upset with the baby, come to me for a big hug.”
For the future
Most fights and sibling rivalries in older kids can be prevented by teaching communication skills and social skills, such as taking turns, sharing, and expressing anger in words rather than hitting. However, don’t underestimate the younger child’s role in creating these rivalries. Many younger children may purposely begin to harrass or pester the older sibling as they may see this as the only way to get the older sibling’s attention. Finding alternative ways to get attention or finding common activities the children can do together can help tremendously with preventing sibling rivalry in the future.
What has worked for you? Feel free to add your comments on ways you have prevented sibling rivalry or sibling jealousy from an older child to your newborn.